How to Talk to Someone About Their Addiction

The decision to confront a loved one about their substance use can be daunting. The difficult talk with a friend, a colleague, or a family member about their addiction can bring up feelings of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty for everyone involved, so it’s essential to prepare yourself to better ensure the conversation is productive and supportive.

When approached with care and compassion, speaking with someone about their drug or alcohol abuse can be the first step toward healing and recovery. The choice of words and tone, and the resources and way forward offered can make all the difference.

 

Here are some tips to consider before beginning a discussion about addiction with a loved one:

 

1. Choose the Right Time and Place:

Setting the stage for a calm and focused conversation is crucial.

• Privacy: Ensure you have a private, quiet space where you won’t be interrupted. This allows for open communication without distractions or external pressures.
• Calmness: Choose a time when both you and the person you’re talking to are calm and relatively relaxed. Avoid starting the conversation during an argument or when emotions are already high, as this can escalate the situation.

2. Set a Supportive Tone:

Your words and demeanor can either invite openness or create defensiveness.

• Emphasize Your Concern: Start by expressing your love and care for the person. Let them know you’re worried about their well-being. This establishes a foundation of support and understanding.
• Avoid Judgment: Refrain from blaming, shaming, or criticizing. These tactics will only make them defensive and less likely to engage in an open dialogue.
• Use “I” Statements: Focus on how their behavior is affecting you, rather than accusing them. For example, “I’m worried about you because I’ve noticed…” This approach is less confrontational and more likely to be heard.

3. Be Prepared:

Having resources at hand can empower your loved one to take the next step.

• Research: Learn about addiction and its effects. This will help you understand what your loved one is going through and tailor your conversation accordingly.
• Gather Resources: Have information readily available about treatment options, support groups, and hotlines. Offer these resources when they express a willingness to get help, as this demonstrates your commitment to their well-being.
• Practice: Rehearse what you want to say beforehand, but be prepared to be flexible and respond to their reactions. This can help you feel more confident and prepared for the conversation.

4. Manage Your Expectations:

Remember that recovery is a journey, not a destination.

• Recovery Takes Time: Don’t expect an immediate solution. It often takes time for someone to acknowledge they have a problem and seek help. Be patient and understanding throughout the process.
• Be Patient: Be prepared for setbacks and relapses. Recovery is a series of many steps, stops, and starts, not a straight line. Your continued support and encouragement are crucial during these challenging times.
• Offer Ongoing Support: Let them know you’re there for them every step of the way, even if they’re not ready to change yet. This unconditional support can be a powerful motivator for them to seek help when they’re ready.

Five phrases to avoid when talking to someone about their addiction:

1. Why can’t you just stop using drugs or stop drinking?

Many people will say this out of frustration. For someone looking in from the outside, it seems like a fair question. Why should someone keep doing something that is destroying their life? It makes no sense. Someone who is not addicted to anything can assume that they would quit when they realize that the negative consequences are destroying their life. But if you see this from the addict’s point of view, it will not help him if you say this to an addict; it will only make them defensive.

Addiction is a complex disease that is often misunderstood. Because substances, especially heavy or prolonged use, create changes in the brain, just quitting without proper support and treatment can be difficult, even if the person wants to do so.

2. [Insert name here] could stop all alone, why can’t you?

It is unproductive to compare yourself to other people, and it is just as useless to compare yourself to other people. If you point out that such and such could quit on their own, it will not help your loved one to quit on their own. Some people can stop without help, but most people who have an addiction need some form of support to get better.

3. You don’t even care how your actions affect others.

While it may seem like your loved one doesn’t care how their actions affect others, it usually doesn’t. The thing about addiction is that it harms everyone involved, whether or not they use drugs themselves. As a result, the addict often says and does things that they normally wouldn’t do if they weren’t addicted. This is not to say that you should put up with abusive or toxic behavior, just that the important thing is to be aware that it is usually the addiction that is causing it.

4. Why did you choose to get addicted?

Asking someone this question is unproductive and destructive. Telling someone that is like a slap in the face. While it may have been that person’s decision to start using it, it is usually never a person’s decision to become a full-fledged addict. Some people can experiment with drugs without drugs ruling their lives, while others try a drug once and become addicted quickly. There is nothing productive about asking this question, and there is no need to do so. The point shouldn’t be how you allow this to happen, but what we can do to fix it.

5. You are a terrible person.

Telling someone that they are a terrible person because of their addiction will not make them change; it will only make them defensive and stop wanting to hear what you say. While you may feel like your loved one has become someone you no longer recognize, there are several ways you can let them know how you think. Again, it’s important to focus on the behavior, not the person.

Five Phrases to Consider Instead:

1. What could we do to help you get better?

Addicts often know they need help; they’re just unsure how to ask for it. By asking such a question, you acknowledge that there is a problem and show that you are ready to help find a solution. When people feel like you are on their side and want to help them get better, they will be much more open to help.

2. Do you think it would be beneficial to seek professional help?

Many people need professional help to manage their addiction. There’s a reason there are so many different treatment options, and that’s because an addiction is difficult to overcome on your own. There are certainly people who can do it without help. However, it is usually a good idea to seek support to make the process more effective and increase long-term success.

3. I feel (insert emotion here) when you (insert action here).

The above statement is an effective way to communicate how the actions of others affect you. While the person can still try to distract, they will be more inclined to see how their actions affect the people they love. If you can do this, you will be in a better room to change something.

4. I’m not sure how this happened, but I want to help.

When a person is at the point where they need help with their addiction, there is no point in asking them how they got this far; This is something you can work through during your treatment program. At this point, the best thing you can do as a support person is to let them know that you are ready to help them figure out how to get help, and then do your best to support them throughout the process.

5. Your addiction is causing you to act in ways that you normally wouldn’t.

By focusing on the addiction that is the problem, the person will be more willing to see how their actions are negatively affecting their life. In addition, it is easier for a person to take responsibility for the harmful actions when they do not feel attacked. So focus on the problem and remember that this is someone you care about and who you want to help get better at.

When we can speak to others with kindness, compassion, and a degree of understanding, we are in a much better position to help that person get better. No one wants to be criticized or constantly reminded of the “bad” things they do. If we can focus away from the person and instead on the treatment of the disease, it becomes much easier to get to and address the real problem.

Additional Tips for When You’re Ready to Talk About Addiction:

• Listen Actively: Pay attention to what they’re saying and also what they may be sidestepping. Validate their feelings and concerns.
• Set Boundaries: While offering support, it’s important to protect your own well-being. You can love someone without enabling their harmful behavior.
• Seek Support for Yourself: Talking to a therapist or joining a support group for loved ones of people with addiction can be invaluable. Remember you are not alone in this!